Squeeze Play: Longhorns, Wolverines, and The Reptilian Hail

There is no greater holiday tradition in Orlando than the Citrus Bowl. It is the perfect, pulp-free chaser to a year of questionable decisions. And this year, we get a true clash of brands: The Texas Longhorns versus the Michigan Wolverines.

It’s the classic "We Should Have Been in the Playoffs" Bowl. Texas is angry they got snubbed for the 12-team dance. Michigan is just trying to figure out who their coach is this week.

The Big Ten fans from Ann Arbor are easy to spot. They are the ones wearing shorts in 55-degree weather, their skin a translucent shade of "Lake Erie Grey," staring at the sun as if it’s a mythical deity. Meanwhile, the Texas fans are arriving in burnt orange vests, looking for a brisket decent enough to not insult their ancestors.

But let’s talk about the real X-factor of today's game. It isn't Arch Manning’s pedigree. It isn't Michigan’s interim coaching chaos.

It is the falling iguanas.

If you aren't from Florida, you think I’m joking. You think this is some colorful local metaphor. It is not. When the Florida thermometer dips into the 40s—which is forecasted for kickoff—our cold-blooded, invasive reptilian neighbors enter a state of suspended animation. They essentially freeze in place, lose their grip on the oak trees surrounding Camping World Stadium, and plummet to the earth like scaly, green hailstones.

Imagine the scene: Arch Manning drops back. He looks deep. The spiral is perfect. The receiver looks up, tracking the ball against the stadium lights. But instead of a pigskin, he is clocked in the facemask by a four-pound iguana named "Steve" who just fell out of a palm tree in Section 104.

That’s a turnover on downs caused by a reptile. In the Rose Bowl, they worry about pristine sunsets. In Orlando, we worry about getting a concussion from a lizard in a coma.

This adds a layer of tactical intrigue that neither Sarkisian nor the Michigan staff can prepare for. How do you scheme for an aerial reptilian assault? Do you equip the wide receivers with umbrellas? Do you instruct the offensive line to look for blitzing linebackers and falling wildlife?

The Degenerate’s Corner: The "Frozen Lizard" Parlay

Since we are all here to enjoy the chaos, let’s make it interesting. I’m looking at the board on Hard Rock Bet, and I’ve cooked up a parlay that tastes better than a stadium pretzel.

• Leg 1: Texas to Win (Straight Up)

Look, Michigan is in transition. They have an interim coach for their interim coach. Texas has Arch Manning and a point to prove to the committee.

• Leg 2: Under 48.5 Points

Why the under? Because the defense is going to be stiff, and I truly believe at least two drives will be stalled by iguana-related delays.

The Odds: +140 (via Hard Rock Bet)

So, if you are heading to the stadium, bring sunglasses for the glare, a flask for the nerves, and a hard hat. Not because the fans get rowdy, but because in Florida, when the temperature drops, the sky starts raining dinosaurs.

Enjoy the game, watch your head, and Hook 'Em.